Hope For A Better Track Record...

I never like going back. Returning. If possible I tend to avoid returning, usually. Not to places I enjoy, as much, or places I feel I experienced a lot of growth, but in places where I have hit my lows, in places I feel I am in a stalemate, I avoid retuning to those places. And last night I finally figured out why: I have a poor track record with change.

That dosen't mean I don't change, that would be completely off, but I have a bad habit of returning to a more similar self when I return to certain places. When in my home-town I struggle to show my depth and have conversations which are more serious than those regarding clothes and old memories. When at university, I struggle to be outgoing, energetic, and be as people oriented as I am. And, in England I have struggled to connect with my own background and culture, but that has been less and less as time has gone on. I tend to be very secretive and abide heavily on the "don't ask don't tell" rule (which is a stupid rule, BTW) and I play it off as a thought in my mind that if people wanted to know more about me they could ask. However, as I think about that I realize, how would people know to ask those things? Why would someone ask those random things about your past? Is it not our own responsibility to reach out to people when we are in need? If I need a friend, whose responsibility is it for me to experience that fellowship? I think sometimes I play the victim in my own life by being too scared to get to know people and then when my extroverted self is in need of company I feel lonely and unwanted instead of just going out and being friendly and meeting people. I say to myself that I don't want to bother anyone, but really most of my closest friends are extroverts as well and could probably do with a bit of human companionship.

So how does this relate with my complete lack of desire to return to Los Estados Unidos? During my European Excursion I have learned quite a few things regarding myself, Europe, other people, England (which may or may not be part of Europe... that's up for debate ;-) ) Christianity... lots of things, and I am terrified that I will return to my reclusive, study-queen self with my billions of responsibilities, meetings, coffee dates and exams. I'll return to eating cheap Mexican food everyday and forget how much I enjoy walking everywhere, I'll have my English jargon teased out of me as well as enjoyment of a good beer or wine. I'll go back to driving, forget about dancing, and I'll stop talking about those crappy things in my childhood which inspire healing.

When I came home from Argentina I disregarded a lot of what I learned within a few months of my return... like I said, I don't have a good track record with change. But now I see that, so maybe this time will be different.