Nessy v. Frost... Summary: Robert Kicks Butt

My European excursion changed me. Yes. But I think the decisions I made upon my return of my how I was going to change my old ways, though some have subsided into... reality, has stayed constant.

In my last two months in Europe I had a revelation. An uncomfortable revelation. A revelation that I had to do something about. I could have easily ignored it, it is one of those things that sleeps deep beneath the surface and so rarely resurfaces that one can count it as unreleased stress of something else when it does come out. But because it is one of those things that I rarely ponder, yet it has a strong and unrelenting hold in my life, I decided it was time to pull the monster up, slap him around and evict him from his previous residence. I will not be daunted by some scary memory. Or at least that is what I thought.

So I came home, sad about leaving, but excited for my approaching victory, and set about finding a way to begin processing. And my search was concluded with my brand new mentor. I couldn't have asked for anyone better. We eased into each other's crazy and quirky personalities and all was going great... last week she suddenly reminded me what I had asked of her on our first meeting. To help me work though my monster. Crap. So we settled on a book to work through and a regular meeting time. Done and Done. And step 1: not so bad.

That was 5 weeks ago.

This week we met, she told me how to get the book, one of the girls I regularly meet with had a copy, and when I accidentally ran into her on the way home she was able to give it to me. And as soon as she handed it over... there it was. My monster. Staring me straight in the face.

I saw the cover: harmless. It wasn't until I glanced at the back. That sentence. The one sentence summary that so bluntly described my life. My deeply hidden monster. And he stared back at me... smiling.

When I got back to my room I put the book on back of my desk. Face up. It took most of my self-control not to hide it in one of my drawers. But my real test came when I was packing my backpack for the day... putting everything I would need for the day in that bag. And hence was my dilemma: Would I need my dreaded book for the day, or better yet, ever? I could leave it there, lying on a pile of books, or I could take it with me, and even if I didn't find time to read it between classes, exams, and social engagements, I would have intent. I would have a goal. I would venture in to the unknown depths of which my monster lived and reclaim the space which he had so long consumed.

And so I chose the later.

I haven't read it yet. Heck, I haven't even opened it. But I brought the book with me. I took my second step to kicking the crap out of that damn monster.

In the end it makes me think of Robert Frost...

...I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Who Knew I'd Be So Happy About School?!

I'm not really all that academically motivated. I mean, I enjoy school. I enjoy learning and reading and whatnot, but as far as degrees and credit is concerned, I'm not all that bothered. So, it came as a great surprise to me how ecstatic I was after my credit check yesterday.

At the University of Arizona I have received an 8 semester scholarship which adds up to about $15,000 per year with the occasional reward scholarship when I apply for something extra. I was rewarded this based on my grades in high school and my SAT and ACT (Basic University entrance exams) scores. So you could say that I do pretty well in school. However, during my college years I have become less academically motivated and the longer I am in school the less I care about how well I do in it. And perhaps this is because I now know what I'll be doing after graduation, or because, though I enjoy my degree, I realize that is will come of little use for me later in life, or so it seems at this point. Whatever the reason, school doesn't make me anxious or worry me very much, I mean yes, big exams can get under my skin, but usually I am pretty lax about exam outcomes.

It is because of this attitude regarding my academic record that I shocked myself yesterday. I am getting two degrees at the University of Arizona. One in Molecular and Cellular Biology with a minor in History, and one in Religious Studies with a minor in Chemistry (don't ask about the pairing). And you are required at least five months prior to graduation to apply for your finished degree. Yesterday I applied. No, I'm not going to finish until May of 2009, but I wanted to make sure that I was going to finish on schedule. So when I went in and found out I was only lacking in one class and I was ahead of schedule I was astonished. It has been my hope and prayer that my last semester I could simply glide into graduation without worrying about too much work. I could focus on my job and be relatively un-bothered about school, but I figured England kinda ruled that one out for me, however, yesterday I found out different. And I was so elated! But it wasn't the record that astonished me, I was pretty sure that I was only lacking in one class, but the feeling in relief.

After trying to figure out exactly why I felt so free it came to me: This Is It. I've finished. For 22 years I'll have been working toward the same goal: graduating from college. And now someone official finally said that it is finished, and it was someone whose opinion actually mattered! I have officially accomplished something valid and difficult in my life. AMAZING. Who knew?!

Loving Where I'm At

I've been yearning to write something for a while, but had no clue what to put down. And while watching a film I just purchased it came to me. One of the lessons I am currently struggling to learn and appreciate.

I am 21. I am a Christian. I cannot pretend to be more mature that I am. I cannot react with more maturity than I have. I can only live and make decisions with the information and ability I have at hand.

I think Americans are forced into maturing at a younger age than people in other countries. Or at least that is how it seems in all the countries I have lived in thus far. And this is probably why we all look so old in comparison to the rest of the world. As a Christian, and due to some of my past experiences, I feel maturity was thrust upon me at an age that I could not cope with it yet and so... I rebelled. If there is one thing I am good at in this life, it is rebelling.

So now I am trying not to pretend. I want to live life being who I am right now. That doesn't mean I stop growing. That doesn't mean I make stupid decisions. Actually, I don't really know what it means. But what I think it means is that I forgive myself when I am stupid, that I congratulate myself when I succeed, and that I enjoy growth as it comes.

I mean, honestly, if we were meant to know at 19 what we know by the time we are 60 then we wouldn't have to wait till we were 60 to know... whatever it is that I don't know yet.

:-)