The "Call" of God

Sometimes I wonder if Christians can get away with more in life than non-believers can. We can do the amazing, the impossible, the incredible, and we have the drive and inspiration to complete these amazing things because of Christ dwelling inside each of us. We can move to foreign lands and live amongst people we don't know and introduce Jesus to them, we can introduce a new and more joyful life to our neighbors, and we can approach a God who grants a love of which we are not worthy. And at the same time, by that same "call" of God, we can do horrible things.

Through the "call" of God Europeans went of the Crusades to the "Holy Land". Christians have ruled countries and abused their people, tortured each other, other people, and killed, all in the name of God. And even though atrocities such as these don't really happen anymore, we still, in the "name of God" can do some pretty mean things.

Sometimes I wonder, "what if we're all just a bunch of late teens/twenty-somethings, going about life, doing what we want to do, claiming that we are following the 'call' of God? And following this 'call' gives us the authority to do what we really want to be doing?"

I believe that God does give us signs. He does call us to things. But I also think that American Christians mistake the "call of God" for desires. We say, "God is leading me to move" when we could easily sad "I want to move". Now I'm not saying that everyone who has ever moved wasn't led to, but I feel that sometimes we use the phrases interchangeably.

I know that God leads in many ways. He can give us a sign, He can have someone speak into our lives (talk about a Christian phrase!), or He can block off every other path. But is it impossible that God doesn't "lead" something that is good? Can we be put into a situation where we want to do something that is good without God leading it? If I like a man, and he likes me, and we enjoy each other's company and want the same things in life and encourage each other and are in a place where we can be together, is it necessarily God's leading that brings us together? Or if we don't feel God "calling" us, should we not be together? Is it ok to just do what you want without God saying anything? I don't really have any conclusions or answers... just more and more questions.

Better than "good"

So my application for a long term trip to England is due soon. Yes. I made my final decision, for all those who I haven't told yet I am going back to the UK, preferably back to Leicester, for EDGE (actually, its called Connect, but thats not all that important). And my application is supposed to be in ASAP.
So today I looked at all my deadline dates, my potential interview dates, and training dates and suddenly I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I am leaving. This is it. This is my final year in America, and though I don't doubt that I will come back I don't know if it will be for an extended time, or just for vacations, or what. And I know I don't feel as comfortable here as I do abroad, but I still feel a sense of loss.
This is the country I have called my home for, well by the time I leave, 22 years and now God is calling me on something completely different, into an unknown that I don't really understand at all. And I am completely trusting Him that I won't fall into shambles the second I step off the plane at Heathrow...again. What if I get there and that same overwhelming dread that I had last time resurfaces? What if I am completely alone again? What if I never have the happy ending I always dream of? What if what I already had and dismissed is as good as life gets?
I know that God has the best for me planned, but I have spend so few years knowing of "happy endings" and so many years experiencing painful and dreadful things... often I often wonder if I'm going... nowhere.
And so here I sit, wondering if it wouldn't just be best to stay in America, get a practical job, do the marriage and the babies thing here. The whole "white picket fence" idea. In my heart I keep hearing how "safe" that would be. How happy it would make my parents and family. How conclusive. How predictable.
People have told me throughout my childhood and adulthood thus far that I'm not the girl who leads the "normal" life. That something spectacular will happen with me or for me or from me... something like that. I don't really think that I agree with this position. I mean, honestly, my greatest joy in life would be to sit with a man who loves God and loves me, reading a great book on a warm day in a big grassy field. That is all I really want out of life...my silly little dream. And still, for a person who wants so little, it seems odd that huge things should continually roll through my life. But maybe that is how God works, He gives us more than we could ever dream of... more than my field and book. Maybe my constant thought of "this is as good as it gets" should change. I don't know what it should change to, but I guess that is part of the journey as well.