Hope For A Better Track Record...

I never like going back. Returning. If possible I tend to avoid returning, usually. Not to places I enjoy, as much, or places I feel I experienced a lot of growth, but in places where I have hit my lows, in places I feel I am in a stalemate, I avoid retuning to those places. And last night I finally figured out why: I have a poor track record with change.

That dosen't mean I don't change, that would be completely off, but I have a bad habit of returning to a more similar self when I return to certain places. When in my home-town I struggle to show my depth and have conversations which are more serious than those regarding clothes and old memories. When at university, I struggle to be outgoing, energetic, and be as people oriented as I am. And, in England I have struggled to connect with my own background and culture, but that has been less and less as time has gone on. I tend to be very secretive and abide heavily on the "don't ask don't tell" rule (which is a stupid rule, BTW) and I play it off as a thought in my mind that if people wanted to know more about me they could ask. However, as I think about that I realize, how would people know to ask those things? Why would someone ask those random things about your past? Is it not our own responsibility to reach out to people when we are in need? If I need a friend, whose responsibility is it for me to experience that fellowship? I think sometimes I play the victim in my own life by being too scared to get to know people and then when my extroverted self is in need of company I feel lonely and unwanted instead of just going out and being friendly and meeting people. I say to myself that I don't want to bother anyone, but really most of my closest friends are extroverts as well and could probably do with a bit of human companionship.

So how does this relate with my complete lack of desire to return to Los Estados Unidos? During my European Excursion I have learned quite a few things regarding myself, Europe, other people, England (which may or may not be part of Europe... that's up for debate ;-) ) Christianity... lots of things, and I am terrified that I will return to my reclusive, study-queen self with my billions of responsibilities, meetings, coffee dates and exams. I'll return to eating cheap Mexican food everyday and forget how much I enjoy walking everywhere, I'll have my English jargon teased out of me as well as enjoyment of a good beer or wine. I'll go back to driving, forget about dancing, and I'll stop talking about those crappy things in my childhood which inspire healing.

When I came home from Argentina I disregarded a lot of what I learned within a few months of my return... like I said, I don't have a good track record with change. But now I see that, so maybe this time will be different.

A Note Regarding Stress:

I am not a stressful person. Well... correction: I do not act like a stressful person. I have it stuck in my head that my stress causes other people stress, which is completely true, but somehow that translates to me how I cannot be stressed because I do not want to cause stress to those around me. And though it would be lovely not to ever cause anyone else's life to be more stressful than necessary, I believe I possess an unhealthy level of not wanting to inconvenience people. This idea in my life surfaces on many different levels, but it has recently become more unhealthy than normal and has brought my life to a crashing low.

I am probably not very stressful by nature. I don't mind things being out of order, or a bit untidy. Being a few minutes late doesn't bother me too much, and I really am pretty casual about most things in life. But, I find that I can freak myself out over little things that really wouldn't ever bother anyone else.

I have made a vow never to bother anyone else if at all possible. And finally, it is coming back to haunt me.

I like people to ask me to do things. Sometimes I can be unobservant and don't realize what can be done, but if someone asks then I can help. If they don't ask, I might not help. So why can I not ask someone else for help?

It is a mindset that needs changing...

Protector

And the gap between depravity and Your love increases once again
And again I'm reminded of the cross.
Reminded of my imperfection
my sin
my fallen nature
and the growth You have promised yet to come.

This road... it seemed easier at the start,
the sacrifice... it didn't seem so much.
I realized Your love and grace were great,
but somehow... I did not know this much.

So when I sing those words about Your love,
And when I raise my hands to praise Your name,
I'm ever-learning
ever-growing
in the knowledge of Your sacrificing grace.

My path has gotten smaller and more bumpy,
But my comfort is my Guide and destination.
And as I grow more jealous of the saints already with You
always singing
always praising
All their strength unto Your Holy Name.

So now...I'm leaving all my love for life
Though I'm... reminded of my sin
but my ever-growing trust is my comfort
for You... You are my ever-growing strength

So when I sing those words about Your love,
And when I raise my hands to praise Your name,
I'm ever-learning
ever-growing
in the knowledge of Your sacrificing grace.

Coming and Going

Maybe it is the point in life that I am at, but I always feel that I am leaving. I suppose I am coming as well, but since that part isn't as difficult to deal with I focus on it less. Perhaps it comes from moving around so often, perhaps it would be the same even if I stayed in one place, but I always seem to be leaving something, someone, somewhere...

I leave my parents and EVBC-ers in Gilbert, I leave my bible study girls and the many of my close friends in Tucson, I left my Argentine friends in Argentina, and soon I'll leave my English and Dutch friends to go back to America. I am always leaving.

I'm not trying to focus on the unhappy aspects of life, not in the least, but I am beginning to wonder if I am leading a normal life. Or if I want to lead a normal life at all. I recently spoke to a very wise man who told me to "be confident in my life's calling". I know exactly what he means, and I think that part scares me the most.

I don't think that I lead a normal life. Normal people don't really travel the world, meeting new people and going on random adventures with them. Normal people care about what they are eating, where they are sleeping, where they are going. I care about those things, but at the same time, I don't as well. Perhaps I'm not "normal". Normal people don't choose to study something difficult just for fun, or major in two totally different things just on a whim. Normal people question why, and I do, but I don't as well. Maybe I'm really not normal. And as I begin to ponder the average life, two kids, big house, white fence, dog, it makes me think... who the heck wants normal anyways? When did "average" become good? I don't think that "normal" is meant for me.

Sometimes I wish it was though. How nice would it be to know that you fit in with the crowd?

Age v. Maturity

Conferences are funny things. You go to them, meet great people, hear good things and before you know it you are on your way back home and you think to yourself, "wow, that went by fast. It feels like I just got here". Or, that's how I always seem to relate to conferences.

I just got back from a Dutch Christian Leadership conference yesterday (not that I am Dutch, nor a leader, but that is not the point). And as I have moved from country to country within Europe and this is my second christian conference this summer (neither of which was American based) I am finding them more and more interesting. For me, the most influential and important part of the week is the people I meet and grow deeper with and the conversations that I have; perhaps it is my age group or my personality type, but these most interesting conversations always seem to happen at night. A few nights ago there was a campfire (yes, most good conversations seem to include a campfire) and many of the students were gathered around it. So I, being the sociable person that I am, was there as well. As I wandered from friend to friend around the fire I struck up a conversation with a girl I hadn't met yet; her words are the ones that caught me the most. To be honest I can't remember her name, even if I did I probably couldn't spell it (her name being Dutch and all) but she opened up and shared her heart with me. She mentioned how her life had seemingly fallen apart in recent years due to family issues and how she felt a responsibility to pull her life back together. After hearing her past and how God was challenging her to step into it to repair herself from it I was touched. Just a few nights before one of the conference leaders had visions of people who might need prayer, she had been one of those people. And in the midst of conversation I realized that God knew that if He had given someone a vision to pray over me I probably would have just run away, but this girl, this conversation which pointed so directly into my life, I could not run away from.

She talked about how she knew now that she needed to seek out a councilor to help her deal with these issues. She and I are the same age and so I asked her if she felt that she was too young to have to deal with this stuff yet, especially from a professional therapist type person. She said she felt that, but knew that if he didn't deal now it would only get worse for later. And that is when it hit me. No matter how old I am there are certain responsibilities I will have to take. I will not be defined by the poor circumstances of my past. I have reached an unfortunate age where I no longer feel I can place responsibility of my poor decisions on someone else, so I will not let someone else's poor choices determine who I am.

yea... growth.

Re-Learning European History

I don't think that, as an American, I truly understand the significance of WWII in the context of how Europe views it. I mean, one very small air raid was conducted on US territory and in the grand scheme of the war it was very small and its main significance was bringing the United States into the war as a major partner. However, since living in Europe I have learned more of their perspective in this story. From living in England I can see how the world wars completely changed their lives and re-shaped their world view and how they see themselves as a country. And now, from living in Holland, I am learning how only 60 years after this war a new mind set is revolutionizing their culture. Post-Modernism.

As Americans we have a very "select" view of World War 2. Perhaps I am overgeneralizing my culture, so feel free to correct me, but we generally see it as a war that took place somewhere over in Europe (I would gladly ask any 'average joe' on the street where exactly most battles took place and I would bet that he wouldn't have a clue). We don't really understand how someone like Hitler could come to power over a "civilized" society or how he wasn't stopped before a world war broke out, and though we consider Pearl Harbor to be a horrible attack on "our country" (most Americans fail to realize that Hawaii was not actually a state in 1941), we do not understand the gravity of what WWII really was: a vicious attack on militaries and civilians alike of peaceful countries whose people became oppressed and harassed during their occupation by a cruel and inhumane dictator who deceived, brainwashed, and destroyed his own country in his attempt for world domination.

Living in America we don't see the destruction that Europe experienced. We, leaving out one military base in a US territory, were not bombed. Our people were not in danger of nightly air raids. We don't have bullet holes in the sides of our buildings as remnants. We didn't experience the aftermath of having to rebuild our society out of its own ruins. And our economy didn't suffer after the war but was drastically improved. What can I say? Those two oceans on either side act as our natural buffer zones from attack. 9/11 was a huge shock to us because we assumed that our geography and world authority would always to protect us just as it had before.

Europe sees things a bit differently. The result of the Industrial Revolution culminated in two World Wars. The final one of which saw the transformation of humanity such that people were systematically exterminated based on race, religion, sexual orientation, economic background and those that attempted to assist the masses who were suspiciously being taken away were tortured and slaughtered as well. Each European country lived in fear of the Nazi regime, including many people in Germany. They feared invasion, occupation and destruction and most of the countries experienced some amount of that, including Russia.

I don't think many people living on the continental US ever worried that Hitler would invade us. We were a neutral country until an attack came directly on us and even then we did not declare war with Germany immediately after but only the Empire of Japan. From our perspective it seemed that Europe was always fighting with itself. Just twenty years before they had been engaged in a "World War" (then known as the Great War) and now they were fighting again. Can't we all just get along?...Apparently not.

I think one of the reasons I enjoy living in Europe so much more than I did in America is due to some of these history factors. Basically, Europe has history, America dosen't. I mean, really, a tad more than 200 years is nothing when you think that Europe has castles almost 1000 years old just sitting around and ruins dating back to before the Common Era (that means before the BC/AD change over for all who aren't science geeks). And it is this long history that fuels a part of their survival. Learning from the past to improve the present. America barely has a past to rely on and build upon and since we consider ourselves more advanced than most other societies we don't really rely on anyone else's history either. Our world is coming to an interesting and new global juxtaposition where all countries and cultures are becoming more intertwined with one another and the US was yanked into this realization by the attack on the Twin Towers. We are no longer a solitary power protected by our ocean buffers and friendly neighbors.

Update-ish

My last post was in October of last year, that makes is 9 months between posts, but hopefully I can get better at being more scheduled at it. I suppose a short review of life in the past few months is in order.

The next significant point in my life after the last post was my breakup with my then-boyfriend, John. This was in January, about 7 months ago. The day after I got on a plane and moved to England. Stepping off the plane at Heathrow in London was possibly the scariest moment in my life. I got off the plane and through airport security and realized that I did not know a single person on the same continent as me. I was all alone. And with that terrifying thought I took a deep breath and set out into the the second biggest adventure of my life thus far. Mid-January I moved into my single room hall, Lasdun Hall at Gilbert Murray Stamford, in Leicester, England, which I was kindly helped into by the greatest hall-mates an international student could ever wish for. The next week this group of friends went out of their way to introduce me to the Christian group I had been looking for on Campus, The Navigators. I am a part of The Navigators, a Christian group at the University of Arizona, and it was because this campus also had a Navigator group that I had decided to go to Leicester over all the other Universities that UofA had connections with. I joined Navs in England and my life started going uphill from there.  

Since moving to Europe God has radically changed my life.  All these changes will probably be addressed in subsequent postings.  Unfortunately, I have to return to my country of origin at the end of this month after 8 months of traveling across Europe (MAR MAR MAR).  We'll see how that goes.

As of now I am living in the Netherlands as a missionary learning about how God exists and grows in people's hearts in a post modern world.  Very interesting.