It seems funny to me to explain my lack of internet output in the last few months. Not like anyone reads this, but I believe that for the people that do, I should explain myself.
I am not one to outwardly express my thoughts before I finish them. Often, I absorb information, analyze what I think/feel about it, and react. When most people ask me about a situation they get my final thought process instead of everything it took me to get there. This seems to leave most people speculative about my sanity... I'm starting to agree.
In the last two months since my graduation I've had a lot to contemplate, and a lot to recover from. And alas, though I feel I am still far from feeling 100%, I am feeling better. Though I would like to regale the 6-7 people that read this with everything that went down, I believe putting life's more intimate details online for public scrutiny is faux pas... at least for me. But I will say that in conclusion (there I go again, not explaining anything) I am a liar. Not to other people, just to myself. I have been lying to myself for a while and I can't say when it started, or what I was attempting to cope with to get it where it is, but a liar is what I am.
I haven't been honest with myself, about myself, in a long time and now it seems time I fess up. My most appalling lie has been in my actions; to be more specific my thought actions. That makes no sense. Like I mentioned before, I don't simply react when something happens. And this thinking thing is my coping mechanism to... something. I used to just act, and life occurred just the same as it does now, and I felt less guilty about it.
So I have been considering thinking less, and acting more, and trying to feel less guilty about EVERYTHING that I do. After all, Christ didn't come to Earth to make me feel bad about who he created me to be. In fact, since God created me in His image I should feel more consistently blessed than condemned, but perhaps this is another topic.
So I'm putting this out there so that I can hopefully get some input. As we age, should we be more speculative about ourselves? About our actions? I have said to myself for a while now that I stopped flirting when I was interested in someone because I felt it was manipulative, but is something like flirtation manipulative? Or is it just a part of being who we are? What is the purpose of analyzing all my thoughts and actions? Should I just go with my gut?
Why as I get older do I only find more questions to ask?
oh joy... another question.
Hello world!
2 years ago
