Who Are You to Lead These People?

I HATE sharing things. Hate Hate Hate Hate. And I don't mean physical things. Sure, you can borrow my blanket, or have some of my apple, or wear my skirt. Whatever. Those things are incredibly unimportant. No, I mean I have an intense aversion to sharing personal things, like thoughts, dreams, memories and the whatnot.

And it's not just the fact that I feel vulnerable. Haha, I wish that were all. I mean, I hear the little voice in my mind that warns me that I'm being absurdly open, but if it were just a little voice that I had to overcome it'd be a much smaller job. I think I have a physical aversion to sharing as well. I get all shaky, my legs shake like I have shivers from the cold, my teeth chatter to the point where I can barely speak, my hands fidget so that anything that can be torn up around me will be utterly destroyed, my breath can't be caught and I just go completely weak, and huge tears well up and completely blind me (and since crying is one of my LEAST favorite activities this one might be the worst aspect, for me). So in order for me to actually get over all of it and talk about the more intimate aspects of life I don't just overcome that general need to self-protect. oh no. It is soooo much more.

I know that I'm generally very personable. Sure. Why not? I can talk to anybody about nothing forever, but if the subject ever gets too close to home... well, let's just say that it usually dosen't ever get too close.

I don't know what makes me so uncomfortable. I don't know if everyone experiences things like this. Maybe I'm just a suuuper private person. That's what I've always attributed it to anyway. But lately, I'm starting to think I might be wrong on that one.

Not Sober Enough to Say: No, Not Drunk Enough to Say: GO AWAY!

So I honestly believe that a person is their truest self when intoxicated. haha... Maybe this is a foolish perception, and if you disagree I would love to hear an argument against it, but I think that the person you are drunk is a very close resemblance of who you are at your core.

Of course this could just be me. And if that is the case, I'm completely ok with it. When intoxicated I become the girl I was when I was much younger, a time when I had more self confidence, and (though sometimes this is not such a good thing) less self-restraint. I become the life of the party, fun-loving, outgoing, and very, and sometimes brutally, honest. My sober self is much more reserved. Not that I wish I were this other girl more of the time, if this were the case I would just change, but if I could choose a person to be after a beer or two, the person I am isn't far from my ideal. This may be why I don't find it horrible to say that I believe a root core of oneself is expressed while slightly intoxicated.

However, I think people who are "sad drunks" generally feel differently. They find intoxication a time to lament those things which they generally keep bottled. I still think this is in true form of who they are, but just like me and my reserved "sober self", they hide their sadness from a society which believes that sadness is one of the least acceptable emotions.

I believe people who are truly sad become more depressed when drunk, I believe people who are angry become more angry, truthful people become more honest and happy people become more outgoing. Deep people contemplate more, horny people try to hook up, weird people just get weirder, people who are hiding who they really are let loose, and responsible people end up remembering everything in the morning and making sure everyone got home alright from the night before.

Of course I have just a few days under a year of experience with alcohol.... This is simply what I have observed in 363 days... and I could very easily be totally off base
:-D

Memory Lane Must Run Parallel with Future Ave.

So today I went to visit my old high school. Mesquite High... home of the Wildcats... (WILDCATS IN THE HOUUUSE!... haha... riiight). The trip was... not what I expected, to say the least.

Hanging out with my old teachers was great. I got to see Mrs. Abbott, Mrs. Paulson, Dr. Kramer, Mr. Stone and Mr. Brabec, and the only teacher I missed that I had really meant to see was Mr. Dole, my old science teacher. haha. And going to see these old teachers was amazing. A few of them I got to catch up with a bit, hear about their lives in the past 4 years, talk about my degrees, my lab and moving to Europe, but I the coolest part of talking with my old teachers was getting to share a bit with them that I am reluctant to share with most people.

Most people don't know all my reasons for wanting to move back to England. Yes, I have many friends there, yes, I loved living there, yes, I am a very private person, yes, I have lots of thoughts that I don't share with anyone... haha. But getting to share one of my most secret reasons with one of my favorite teachers, one of the women who has inspired me most in life, I felt more encouraged than I could possibly describe. She was actually happy for me. She didn't question me, she didn't ask me to rethink it or ask if I was sure or not about my reason. No. Instead she smiled, congratulated me, was excited for me and asked for all the details. *sigh* It was the exact reaction that I have never gotten that I've always wanted.

Although this alone would have made my day and I certainly was not expecting it, two other things happen when I was entering my old school which still slightly baffle my mind.

1) I walked in from the student lot. I came in right as classes were getting out and I was hoping to swing in just as most of the students were leaving, but before the teachers. This wasn't the weird part. The weird part came one right after the other as I was walking onto the campus. I was about to cross the street from the lot to the building, but I guess people have to wait to cross the street (haha... at 16 people are still apparently too dumb to know when or not to cross the street from the incoming buses.) and the crossing guard called out "ma'am, you have to come on this side... these crazy kids might accidentally run you over. Most of them just got their licences, you know." I looked up... was she talking to me?! There was no one else there. I looked around me to make sure there wasn't someone else near me. Nope... I was the "ma'am"... This was weird thing number 1.

2) So eventually I got to cross the street. Walking into the school a crowd of kids start walking toward me, some of the girls were walking backward and flirting (haha... I definitely remember thinking that not only was this talented, but cool at one point of time) And some guy in the group looks toward me and says to the girl trying to get his attention "hey, turn around, some lady is behind you... don't run into her." I looked up and he smiled, like he had just something gentlemanly or something... meh, maybe it was... but LADY?! me? I'm not OLD. some LADY... humph.... urg.

I guess I don't really think of myself as an adult. Yes, I will be a college grad in 4 months... whatever. It's still weird. I guess the great part of the experience was with Abbott, but the stuff with the students make me giggle... lady. haha.

My 2008 Memories...ish

So I was inspired by my roommate's blog to do this...

Happy 2009!!!! but first, a quick view through my 2008:

January: break ups and continent movements... Arrive in Heathrow to the terror of fog and rain! Move into my single room in Leicester (a city which most people still can't pronounce off the spelling) and make new friends... FAST.

February: Meet the Dutch and Leicester Navs... BEST DECISION EVER. Katy comes to visit... "pro: he has an accent, con: if we have kids they'll call me mummy and that will make me feel Egyptian." Travel to Scotland. Finally get my mind back.

March: make a plan for the 5 week break, leave for the 5 week break, backpack through the Czech Rep, Germany, France, Switzerland, Italy and Greece.

April: Continue trip through Spain, France (again), Belgium and Holland. Then finally back to England. Awkwardness and freedom ensues. Turn 21, dance on a bar in Paris.

May: Parents visit. Goodbye Leicester, temporarily. Jesus saves the day when I least expect it. Katie comes to town.

June: Travel to France and Italy, again. Traveling with Katie Sherer is uber easy. Off to Wales, "be still my beating heart", chill with Ruth and Zoe.

July: mission trip to Holland, chillax and regroup with EDGErs and begin to remember what American Christians are like, even though these are not the typical ones. Back to England, I love you Ruth and Zoe! London and Southampton were great, and a thanks to Colin for the breakfast.

August: A miserable return to the Phoenix heat. A horrible time reasjusting to America... back to UofA, back to responsible life, but living with Ashley... yep... thats probably the one good thing about August. haha.

September: Another month of dullness, though I have made friends with some of the coolest Juniors in the world. Begin Twilight addiction.

October: Apply for England. Oh how I miss Leicester.

November: The WORST month of college...EVER. ULGH is this year over yet?!

December: pass cell bio. bunk the beds. guitar for Christmas. bring in the new year by watching Pride and Prejudice with my daddy.

Summary: So from 2008 I learned about my ability to sleep in sketchy places, make new friends with ease, say "no", and how much I feel more at peace outside the USA, at least for now. By this time next year who knows where I'll have been or where I'll be writing from, what I do know is that Jesus taught me the intertwined nature of grace, acceptance, and love.

If It Weren't for Jesus I'd Quit This Christian Thing!

*Breathe in.... Breathe out...*
Ok, so this is my little rant. I've been developing it now for the past few months and now its gotten to an all time high. *grrr*

Christians really piss me off. They drive me CRAZY and I've had about enough now. I think I've officially lost it. And I've officially decided that if I wasn't required to associate with them, I'd probably avoid it. I have never met a group of more hypocritical, judgmental, rude, mean, and vengeful people in my LIFE!!! And these are the people representing Jesus! How can we possibly expect people to want a life following Jesus if all we do is tear each other's throats out and treat non-Christians as if they are the scum beneath our feet?!

The peak of my frustration isn't actually coming from my own situation, though I have more than enough reason for it to do so. The straw that is breaking my proverbial camel's back actually comes from someone else's life experience. And while I can take the pressure which is being exerted on me, my heart is broken for this other woman.

I recently met up with a girl I knew in high school. We were never particularly close friends, though we ran in the same group, and we started discussing life since graduation. She told me her story and as I've pondered it my anger has grown. In high school she and I went to similar churches, had the same friends, were engaged in the same activities, and took the same classes. We both come from families who have a very stable financial background and are not divorced... now I'm not saying that this implies a similar outcome, I'm just trying to give a bit of background. Having said all this, I don't know if this woman actually has a relationship with Jesus, but her statement about Christians rings true nevertheless.

Since high school she became a bartender. She needed a job to pay the bills, she said. Her church friends disapproved. They told her that she was living in a "sinful nature" and associating with "sinful people". And she told me, "I left, not because I knew what I was doing was right, not that it was wrong either, but I just couldn't stand the pressure anymore."

Afterward her life kinda went downhill. Needless to say, she doesn't attend a church at the moment. So while sitting over drinks with her my heart broke. How many people have I alienated with my legalism? How many people have I known who have felt the same way as this girl? Could she ever forgive enough to hear the truth again? But hell, why should she? I guess I'm starting to loose a bit of faith, not in Christ, but in those people who say their just like him.

*sigh* maybe I'm not an optimist after all.

The "Call" of God

Sometimes I wonder if Christians can get away with more in life than non-believers can. We can do the amazing, the impossible, the incredible, and we have the drive and inspiration to complete these amazing things because of Christ dwelling inside each of us. We can move to foreign lands and live amongst people we don't know and introduce Jesus to them, we can introduce a new and more joyful life to our neighbors, and we can approach a God who grants a love of which we are not worthy. And at the same time, by that same "call" of God, we can do horrible things.

Through the "call" of God Europeans went of the Crusades to the "Holy Land". Christians have ruled countries and abused their people, tortured each other, other people, and killed, all in the name of God. And even though atrocities such as these don't really happen anymore, we still, in the "name of God" can do some pretty mean things.

Sometimes I wonder, "what if we're all just a bunch of late teens/twenty-somethings, going about life, doing what we want to do, claiming that we are following the 'call' of God? And following this 'call' gives us the authority to do what we really want to be doing?"

I believe that God does give us signs. He does call us to things. But I also think that American Christians mistake the "call of God" for desires. We say, "God is leading me to move" when we could easily sad "I want to move". Now I'm not saying that everyone who has ever moved wasn't led to, but I feel that sometimes we use the phrases interchangeably.

I know that God leads in many ways. He can give us a sign, He can have someone speak into our lives (talk about a Christian phrase!), or He can block off every other path. But is it impossible that God doesn't "lead" something that is good? Can we be put into a situation where we want to do something that is good without God leading it? If I like a man, and he likes me, and we enjoy each other's company and want the same things in life and encourage each other and are in a place where we can be together, is it necessarily God's leading that brings us together? Or if we don't feel God "calling" us, should we not be together? Is it ok to just do what you want without God saying anything? I don't really have any conclusions or answers... just more and more questions.

Better than "good"

So my application for a long term trip to England is due soon. Yes. I made my final decision, for all those who I haven't told yet I am going back to the UK, preferably back to Leicester, for EDGE (actually, its called Connect, but thats not all that important). And my application is supposed to be in ASAP.
So today I looked at all my deadline dates, my potential interview dates, and training dates and suddenly I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I am leaving. This is it. This is my final year in America, and though I don't doubt that I will come back I don't know if it will be for an extended time, or just for vacations, or what. And I know I don't feel as comfortable here as I do abroad, but I still feel a sense of loss.
This is the country I have called my home for, well by the time I leave, 22 years and now God is calling me on something completely different, into an unknown that I don't really understand at all. And I am completely trusting Him that I won't fall into shambles the second I step off the plane at Heathrow...again. What if I get there and that same overwhelming dread that I had last time resurfaces? What if I am completely alone again? What if I never have the happy ending I always dream of? What if what I already had and dismissed is as good as life gets?
I know that God has the best for me planned, but I have spend so few years knowing of "happy endings" and so many years experiencing painful and dreadful things... often I often wonder if I'm going... nowhere.
And so here I sit, wondering if it wouldn't just be best to stay in America, get a practical job, do the marriage and the babies thing here. The whole "white picket fence" idea. In my heart I keep hearing how "safe" that would be. How happy it would make my parents and family. How conclusive. How predictable.
People have told me throughout my childhood and adulthood thus far that I'm not the girl who leads the "normal" life. That something spectacular will happen with me or for me or from me... something like that. I don't really think that I agree with this position. I mean, honestly, my greatest joy in life would be to sit with a man who loves God and loves me, reading a great book on a warm day in a big grassy field. That is all I really want out of life...my silly little dream. And still, for a person who wants so little, it seems odd that huge things should continually roll through my life. But maybe that is how God works, He gives us more than we could ever dream of... more than my field and book. Maybe my constant thought of "this is as good as it gets" should change. I don't know what it should change to, but I guess that is part of the journey as well.