My 2008 Memories...ish

So I was inspired by my roommate's blog to do this...

Happy 2009!!!! but first, a quick view through my 2008:

January: break ups and continent movements... Arrive in Heathrow to the terror of fog and rain! Move into my single room in Leicester (a city which most people still can't pronounce off the spelling) and make new friends... FAST.

February: Meet the Dutch and Leicester Navs... BEST DECISION EVER. Katy comes to visit... "pro: he has an accent, con: if we have kids they'll call me mummy and that will make me feel Egyptian." Travel to Scotland. Finally get my mind back.

March: make a plan for the 5 week break, leave for the 5 week break, backpack through the Czech Rep, Germany, France, Switzerland, Italy and Greece.

April: Continue trip through Spain, France (again), Belgium and Holland. Then finally back to England. Awkwardness and freedom ensues. Turn 21, dance on a bar in Paris.

May: Parents visit. Goodbye Leicester, temporarily. Jesus saves the day when I least expect it. Katie comes to town.

June: Travel to France and Italy, again. Traveling with Katie Sherer is uber easy. Off to Wales, "be still my beating heart", chill with Ruth and Zoe.

July: mission trip to Holland, chillax and regroup with EDGErs and begin to remember what American Christians are like, even though these are not the typical ones. Back to England, I love you Ruth and Zoe! London and Southampton were great, and a thanks to Colin for the breakfast.

August: A miserable return to the Phoenix heat. A horrible time reasjusting to America... back to UofA, back to responsible life, but living with Ashley... yep... thats probably the one good thing about August. haha.

September: Another month of dullness, though I have made friends with some of the coolest Juniors in the world. Begin Twilight addiction.

October: Apply for England. Oh how I miss Leicester.

November: The WORST month of college...EVER. ULGH is this year over yet?!

December: pass cell bio. bunk the beds. guitar for Christmas. bring in the new year by watching Pride and Prejudice with my daddy.

Summary: So from 2008 I learned about my ability to sleep in sketchy places, make new friends with ease, say "no", and how much I feel more at peace outside the USA, at least for now. By this time next year who knows where I'll have been or where I'll be writing from, what I do know is that Jesus taught me the intertwined nature of grace, acceptance, and love.

Better than "good"

So my application for a long term trip to England is due soon. Yes. I made my final decision, for all those who I haven't told yet I am going back to the UK, preferably back to Leicester, for EDGE (actually, its called Connect, but thats not all that important). And my application is supposed to be in ASAP.
So today I looked at all my deadline dates, my potential interview dates, and training dates and suddenly I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I am leaving. This is it. This is my final year in America, and though I don't doubt that I will come back I don't know if it will be for an extended time, or just for vacations, or what. And I know I don't feel as comfortable here as I do abroad, but I still feel a sense of loss.
This is the country I have called my home for, well by the time I leave, 22 years and now God is calling me on something completely different, into an unknown that I don't really understand at all. And I am completely trusting Him that I won't fall into shambles the second I step off the plane at Heathrow...again. What if I get there and that same overwhelming dread that I had last time resurfaces? What if I am completely alone again? What if I never have the happy ending I always dream of? What if what I already had and dismissed is as good as life gets?
I know that God has the best for me planned, but I have spend so few years knowing of "happy endings" and so many years experiencing painful and dreadful things... often I often wonder if I'm going... nowhere.
And so here I sit, wondering if it wouldn't just be best to stay in America, get a practical job, do the marriage and the babies thing here. The whole "white picket fence" idea. In my heart I keep hearing how "safe" that would be. How happy it would make my parents and family. How conclusive. How predictable.
People have told me throughout my childhood and adulthood thus far that I'm not the girl who leads the "normal" life. That something spectacular will happen with me or for me or from me... something like that. I don't really think that I agree with this position. I mean, honestly, my greatest joy in life would be to sit with a man who loves God and loves me, reading a great book on a warm day in a big grassy field. That is all I really want out of life...my silly little dream. And still, for a person who wants so little, it seems odd that huge things should continually roll through my life. But maybe that is how God works, He gives us more than we could ever dream of... more than my field and book. Maybe my constant thought of "this is as good as it gets" should change. I don't know what it should change to, but I guess that is part of the journey as well.

Reviewing Old Mistakes

So today I was looking at a friend's old postings on an old joke site from high school. This stuff was posted almost three years ago. And it just made me remember so much about high school. So much that I don't really think of anymore. I think I forgot a lot about what my high school experience was really like. The awkwardness of being young and having these unexplainable emotions and ideas that no one would really confirm or deny. Wanting to be an adult, having the emotions of an adult without having the patience or wisdom to really be able to make good decisions. And having no one to lean on but others my own age with similar experiences. It was painful.... really.
There was so much going on in high school! People were constantly fighting and we were all questioning our worth and importance in this world. How do you answer those overwhelming concepts with no one to turn to but your peers? I am starting to become amazed that anyone really survives past high school.
Anyways, he was ranting and raving a bit about how he hated my decisions at the time. I never knew he had felt that way about my actions. He never said anything about it to me, so reading it today came as somewhat of a shock as to his anger over what had happened. To his defense, I did do the things he had said, to my defense I never knew I had made an error. So who is at fault? Well, I am feeling pretty badly over being a jerk and not knowing it, but the situation stops there. I am not the person I was at the time, I am not in the situation I was at the time and the world has drastically changed since then.
I think I will begin to post the situations in my life on this blog in hopes that through this I will see my mistakes clearly in hopes of not repeating the same mistake twice.
I am fallible. I will always mess up somewhere. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. But I am called to follow hard after Christ. Jesus Christ. And while I am going to screw up along the way hopefully I can go to that person, ask their forgiveness and try again. I just wish I could have made right my actions against this man that I knew. Well, I suppose he and I are friends now, or at least he is not someone that hates me anymore, so I guess that he forgave me somewhere along the line.

I feel God laying Matthew 5:21-24 on my heart to end this post. His words are way more applicable and worthwhile than mine.
"21You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.' 22But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire. 23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."