It seems funny to me to explain my lack of internet output in the last few months. Not like anyone reads this, but I believe that for the people that do, I should explain myself.
I am not one to outwardly express my thoughts before I finish them. Often, I absorb information, analyze what I think/feel about it, and react. When most people ask me about a situation they get my final thought process instead of everything it took me to get there. This seems to leave most people speculative about my sanity... I'm starting to agree.
In the last two months since my graduation I've had a lot to contemplate, and a lot to recover from. And alas, though I feel I am still far from feeling 100%, I am feeling better. Though I would like to regale the 6-7 people that read this with everything that went down, I believe putting life's more intimate details online for public scrutiny is faux pas... at least for me. But I will say that in conclusion (there I go again, not explaining anything) I am a liar. Not to other people, just to myself. I have been lying to myself for a while and I can't say when it started, or what I was attempting to cope with to get it where it is, but a liar is what I am.
I haven't been honest with myself, about myself, in a long time and now it seems time I fess up. My most appalling lie has been in my actions; to be more specific my thought actions. That makes no sense. Like I mentioned before, I don't simply react when something happens. And this thinking thing is my coping mechanism to... something. I used to just act, and life occurred just the same as it does now, and I felt less guilty about it.
So I have been considering thinking less, and acting more, and trying to feel less guilty about EVERYTHING that I do. After all, Christ didn't come to Earth to make me feel bad about who he created me to be. In fact, since God created me in His image I should feel more consistently blessed than condemned, but perhaps this is another topic.
So I'm putting this out there so that I can hopefully get some input. As we age, should we be more speculative about ourselves? About our actions? I have said to myself for a while now that I stopped flirting when I was interested in someone because I felt it was manipulative, but is something like flirtation manipulative? Or is it just a part of being who we are? What is the purpose of analyzing all my thoughts and actions? Should I just go with my gut?
Why as I get older do I only find more questions to ask?
oh joy... another question.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Back to Life, Back to Reality...
Getting back into the swing of life in America is quite an adjustment. And I think the largest adjustment is learning how to live here being who I am now. Eight months abroad changed me drastically, and I feel as if the lessons God is teaching me now are a mere consequence of the fact that growth has occurred so much in my life recently.
The woman I am now is so incredibly different from the one that left Tucson. It isn't simply a change of mind, or mindset that has taken place. I think differently. I react differently. I am... different. I am tidy (That one is just weird to cope with), I am a mac user (that was a consequence of my team and friends in Holland), I like to work out, I don't enjoy driving, I love reading. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not as ashamed of how I look. I forgive faster. I don't find fault with people as quickly or as often, and when I do I try to forget about it or ask forgiveness for it. And I think the largest adjustment is my honesty. I am far more open with people, and I am a woman who is never open. Trust, with me, is just something that people rarely get, or perhaps I should say "got". Since I have returned I am a new and more honest person. Perhaps most people would still call me emotionally reserved, but my transition from never being open to being just average is a long and painful journey, for me.
Living as this new person in an old environment is odd. But I wouldn't say all this change occurred in England. My alterations have been a continual process since the day I got on the plane to Heathrow from Sky Harbor. Slow... sometimes painful (most times, actually)... and challengingly uncomfortable.
The woman I am now is so incredibly different from the one that left Tucson. It isn't simply a change of mind, or mindset that has taken place. I think differently. I react differently. I am... different. I am tidy (That one is just weird to cope with), I am a mac user (that was a consequence of my team and friends in Holland), I like to work out, I don't enjoy driving, I love reading. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not as ashamed of how I look. I forgive faster. I don't find fault with people as quickly or as often, and when I do I try to forget about it or ask forgiveness for it. And I think the largest adjustment is my honesty. I am far more open with people, and I am a woman who is never open. Trust, with me, is just something that people rarely get, or perhaps I should say "got". Since I have returned I am a new and more honest person. Perhaps most people would still call me emotionally reserved, but my transition from never being open to being just average is a long and painful journey, for me.
Living as this new person in an old environment is odd. But I wouldn't say all this change occurred in England. My alterations have been a continual process since the day I got on the plane to Heathrow from Sky Harbor. Slow... sometimes painful (most times, actually)... and challengingly uncomfortable.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Hope For A Better Track Record...
I never like going back. Returning. If possible I tend to avoid returning, usually. Not to places I enjoy, as much, or places I feel I experienced a lot of growth, but in places where I have hit my lows, in places I feel I am in a stalemate, I avoid retuning to those places. And last night I finally figured out why: I have a poor track record with change.
That dosen't mean I don't change, that would be completely off, but I have a bad habit of returning to a more similar self when I return to certain places. When in my home-town I struggle to show my depth and have conversations which are more serious than those regarding clothes and old memories. When at university, I struggle to be outgoing, energetic, and be as people oriented as I am. And, in England I have struggled to connect with my own background and culture, but that has been less and less as time has gone on. I tend to be very secretive and abide heavily on the "don't ask don't tell" rule (which is a stupid rule, BTW) and I play it off as a thought in my mind that if people wanted to know more about me they could ask. However, as I think about that I realize, how would people know to ask those things? Why would someone ask those random things about your past? Is it not our own responsibility to reach out to people when we are in need? If I need a friend, whose responsibility is it for me to experience that fellowship? I think sometimes I play the victim in my own life by being too scared to get to know people and then when my extroverted self is in need of company I feel lonely and unwanted instead of just going out and being friendly and meeting people. I say to myself that I don't want to bother anyone, but really most of my closest friends are extroverts as well and could probably do with a bit of human companionship.
So how does this relate with my complete lack of desire to return to Los Estados Unidos? During my European Excursion I have learned quite a few things regarding myself, Europe, other people, England (which may or may not be part of Europe... that's up for debate ;-) ) Christianity... lots of things, and I am terrified that I will return to my reclusive, study-queen self with my billions of responsibilities, meetings, coffee dates and exams. I'll return to eating cheap Mexican food everyday and forget how much I enjoy walking everywhere, I'll have my English jargon teased out of me as well as enjoyment of a good beer or wine. I'll go back to driving, forget about dancing, and I'll stop talking about those crappy things in my childhood which inspire healing.
When I came home from Argentina I disregarded a lot of what I learned within a few months of my return... like I said, I don't have a good track record with change. But now I see that, so maybe this time will be different.
That dosen't mean I don't change, that would be completely off, but I have a bad habit of returning to a more similar self when I return to certain places. When in my home-town I struggle to show my depth and have conversations which are more serious than those regarding clothes and old memories. When at university, I struggle to be outgoing, energetic, and be as people oriented as I am. And, in England I have struggled to connect with my own background and culture, but that has been less and less as time has gone on. I tend to be very secretive and abide heavily on the "don't ask don't tell" rule (which is a stupid rule, BTW) and I play it off as a thought in my mind that if people wanted to know more about me they could ask. However, as I think about that I realize, how would people know to ask those things? Why would someone ask those random things about your past? Is it not our own responsibility to reach out to people when we are in need? If I need a friend, whose responsibility is it for me to experience that fellowship? I think sometimes I play the victim in my own life by being too scared to get to know people and then when my extroverted self is in need of company I feel lonely and unwanted instead of just going out and being friendly and meeting people. I say to myself that I don't want to bother anyone, but really most of my closest friends are extroverts as well and could probably do with a bit of human companionship.
So how does this relate with my complete lack of desire to return to Los Estados Unidos? During my European Excursion I have learned quite a few things regarding myself, Europe, other people, England (which may or may not be part of Europe... that's up for debate ;-) ) Christianity... lots of things, and I am terrified that I will return to my reclusive, study-queen self with my billions of responsibilities, meetings, coffee dates and exams. I'll return to eating cheap Mexican food everyday and forget how much I enjoy walking everywhere, I'll have my English jargon teased out of me as well as enjoyment of a good beer or wine. I'll go back to driving, forget about dancing, and I'll stop talking about those crappy things in my childhood which inspire healing.
When I came home from Argentina I disregarded a lot of what I learned within a few months of my return... like I said, I don't have a good track record with change. But now I see that, so maybe this time will be different.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
