The Job Hunt Goes On

What I'm Reading:

2 Samuel 8

What I got:

Tomorrow I'm starting a lent devotional plan. Other than that... I dunno.... God is vengeful?

Prayer:

I'm supposed to start going running for lent... ulgh... LORD help me.

Conclusion:

Why did I say I'd go running for lent? I'm not even Catholic.

Hair and Certainty

What I'm Reading:

James 1... it actually took me a while to decide.

Verses that stood out:

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

²⁶ Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. ²⁷ Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Prayer:

LORD, I long to be a woman of wisdom. I feel you fulfilling your promise, I see it in my life circumstances, and it makes me happy. But sometimes I don't see a bigger picture yet and I get frustrated and hurt. Keep me seeing that my circumstances do not define You. Lord, lead me to some job. Show me where to apply and put my efforts. I'd really like that place in London, but I'm soooo under qualified. I'm half-tempted not to apply but I don't want to run away from something just because I'm afraid I might fail. That's just ridiculous.

Lord, I wish I felt as stable as James. He KNEW, without a doubt, that you'd come through. It isn't that I don't believe you'll come through, it's just that I'm still trying to figure you out, so I don't know what to expect. For years I thought I had you pinned... figured out, in a box, but the more of life I experience and the more I get to know you the more I realize i know NOTHING.

"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your

life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t." Baz Lahrmann

Conclusion:

another day of applications. Today I cut Matt's hair... conclusion to that? I shouldn't be a hair stylist. ;-)

I love you, Freddie Mercury.

What I'm reading:

Genesis 28

Verses that stood out:

³ May God Almighty^[b] bless you and make you fruitful and increase your numbers until you become a community of peoples. ⁴ May he give you and your descendants the blessing given to Abraham, so that you may take possession of the land where you now reside as a foreigner, the land God gave to Abraham.”

¹⁵ I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

²⁰ Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear ²¹ so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the LORD^[f] will be my God ²² and^[g] this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God’s house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth.”

Prayers:

God, I'd love to have a directive as clear as this. I feel stuck in the calling I have already felt you give, and now I'm not sure where to run with it. As another week looms ahead I have to face the facts. I'm still unemployed and have no idea what I'm doing. Please Lord, let it break soon.

Thoughts:

My husband, Matt, is writing a talk on satisfaction. He asked my thoughts and the first thing that jumped to mind was Freddie Mercury of Queen. In 1976 he wrote the song "Somebody to Love". Still a hit. 15 years later Queen wrote "The Show Must Go On". In the mid-seventies Freddie was a talented, young gay man who was one of the world's best performers. He had his whole life ahead of him. And 15 short years later he was sick, dying of AIDS, could barely walk, and still had no one to love. One of the lyrics of The Show Must Go On is, "inside I am breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile still stays on."

Tragic.

I don't want to discuss morality or homosexuality. What I wish for this man was that he had felt the love and acceptance I feel. He spent his whole life searching for someone to love. The first line of the song is, "Can anybody find me somebody to love." We get our answer 15 years later. Apparently "no".

People adored the band. They still do. Queen is still one of the biggest artists of all time. But, and I hate cheesey-ness, I guess we cannot forget. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return. That last verse in Genesis 28 speaks to me. That God already loves. I just have to accept it and love back. It's really a one way deal for him until I respond.

Conclusion:

I have more applications to fill out.

Camels and obesity

What I'm reading:

Deuteronomy 32

Why:

for a long time I've had a verse in mind but could never find it. Alas, all I had to do was type it in the biblegateway.... obviously.

What stood out:

¹⁵ Jeshurun grew fat and kicked;
filled with food, they became heavy and sleek.
They abandoned the God who made them
and rejected the Rock their Savior.

Thoughts:

Since this is the verse I was looking for, of course it's the one that stood out. I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be content in Christ, verses just being content. I have a lot. I live in a prosperous place, I have a loving husband, a relationship with God, good friends, a nice house, and more things that I could use. Still, there are things I pray for. I pray that we can afford to buy a bed (ours broke moving into the new house... it didn't fit up the staircase), we'd like to go on vacation, we'd like to get a dog, and I'd love not to have to worry about where the money for our bills will come from every month. But somehow God does provide. I guess it is just remembering that the prayer is, "give us this day our daily bread" not our "annual" bread.

prayer:

LORD, I have become fat and sleek. I'd love to have a break with learning through financial hardship, but if that is the easiest way to get my attention, please keep using it. There are things I care WAY more about that I'd rather stay as good as they are. Still, I'd really like to have some time where my marriage vows learned to live in "richer" rather than always being "poorer". ;-)

Song stuck in my head:

I will always love you by Whitney Houston, and not just because she passed away. I've had it stuck there for a while, I guess it was a good thing Glee did it too.

Conclusion:

I wish I could live an existence of wealthiness and be able to "pass through the eye of a needle." or something like that.

Faith, Food, Amusement

What I'm reading:

Luke 24

Verses that stood out:

²⁷ And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.

⁴⁰ When he had said this, he showed them his hands and feet. ⁴¹ And while they still did not believe it because of joy and amazement, he asked them, “Do you have anything here to eat?” ⁴² They gave him a piece of broiled fish, ⁴³ and he took it and ate it in their presence.

Why they stood out:

So, I find a lot of grace in verse 27. I know this may sound weird, but when I read it I hear how Jesus, after his death and during the resurrection came and talked to some guys for a few hours and re-explained EVERYTHING he had been talking about and doing for the past 3 years. And, after all this, still, these guys were normal people. So what I hear from all that is no matter how much you "know" Jesus, you are NEVER immune to normal stuff. I don't want to call it "sin", not because I'm so post-modern or whatever, but because I feel that has become an outdated word. No, let's call it, evil. No matter now much these guys knew God or could talk to him or could understand him or could be known by him, they still went on their way being partly evil. They were still bad. I'm not saying they weren't reformed or that they didn't also do good things, they just couldn't stop humanity from getting in the way of godliness. As a Christian, I find a lot of grace in that.

the second one: OMG! SERIOUSLY?! This is hilarious. Jesus appears out of nowhere and one of the first things he does is say, "hey dudes, I'm starving, anyone got anything to eat?" LOL. God is just funny. This is the kind of passage that makes me feel happy about my faith. Faith isn't some dead, stoic, serious thing. Well... it doesn't have to be. Literally, it can all come down to food.

Prayer:

Lord, I submitted another application today. I pray I get an interview and get the post. But since it isn't my dream post, if I had to choose, I'd rather have the one in London. I have no idea which applications will ever go anywhere, but I would really appreciate it if something came through soon. I really hate doing laundry.

Also, I'd like to become less selfish in my prayers... best of luck in that.

Something from Reality:

I'm currently reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". I'm so lost with all the Swedish names. Thank God there are so many pronouns in English... I'd never know if most characters were men or women.

Conclusion:

I don't really have a succinct thought about this. Probably because my stomach is a bit upset.

Morning by Morning

What I'm reading:

Proverbs 15

What stood out:

¹² Mockers resent correction,
so they avoid the wise.

¹³ A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
but heartache crushes the spirit.

¹⁴ The discerning heart seeks knowledge,
but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.

¹⁵ All the days of the oppressed are wretched,
but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.

¹⁶ Better a little with the fear of the LORD
than great wealth with turmoil.

¹⁷ Better a small serving of vegetables with love
than a fattened calf with hatred.

¹⁸ A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,
but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

³³ Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD,
and humility comes before honor.

My prayer:

LORD, make me wise and discerning. Show me how you see what I am too blinded to understand. Always remind me of what I have already learned.

Conclusion:

Thank God I'm not God.

Sorry it's short.

Post 2! Let's see if I can keep it going

What I'm Reading:

Jeremiah 2

What stood out:

¹⁴ Is Israel a servant, a slave by birth?
Why then has he become plunder?

¹⁹ Your wickedness will punish you;
your backsliding will rebuke you.
Consider then and realize
how evil and bitter it is for you
when you forsake the LORD your God
and have no awe of me,”
declares the Lord, the LORD Almighty.

²² Although you wash yourself with soap
and use an abundance of cleansing powder,
the stain of your guilt is still before me,”
declares the Sovereign LORD.
²³ “How can you say, ‘I am not defiled;
I have not run after the Baals’?
See how you behaved in the valley;
consider what you have done.
You are a swift she-camel
running here and there,

³² Does a young woman forget her jewelry,
a bride her wedding ornaments?
Yet my people have forgotten me,
days without number.
³³ How skilled you are at pursuing love!
Even the worst of women can learn from your ways.
³⁴ On your clothes is found
the lifeblood of the innocent poor,
though you did not catch them breaking in.
Yet in spite of all this
³⁵ you say, ‘I am innocent;
he is not angry with me.’
But I will pass judgment on you
because you say, ‘I have not sinned.’
³⁶ Why do you go about so much,
changing your ways?
You will be disappointed by Egypt
as you were by Assyria.
³⁷ You will also leave that place
with your hands on your head,
for the LORD has rejected those you trust;
you will not be helped by them.

My prayer:

I get confused about what happens next in life. I don't want to make my worry an idol, but sometimes I feel that worry is a better companion than running through an endless forest not knowing where I'm going or if I'm running in the right direction. Worry feels like a good companion if I feel like you're not responding in a way I understand. If I'm brutally honest, worry feels like a better companion to you right now because I expect to see you provide and I don't see it, but I can't expect anything from my own meaningless anxiety. So, I guess the prayer is actually, "Jesus, show me how you're better than worry."

My reasons for the parts that stood out:

I guess I've been thinking a lot about identity. Who I am. How that should shape how I behave. And who I think God really is. And consequences. I've been wondering a lot if I can see what will happen from things I observe now. Like ripples in a still pond. Do these little ripples now reflect something bigger to come? Or am I just being over observant or just not trusting God?

Song I listened to most:

I Bless the Rain Down in Africa by Toto

What it all made me think of:

"Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as

effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday." -Baz Luhrmann, Wear Sunscreen

Conclusion:

I am proud of myself for actually writing today... I didn't want to and I had no idea what to say. I actually feel like I accomplished something. I guess that makes it: me = 1, unemployment = all the other days except this one.

Something Different

A while ago I told myself I would never write a blog again. Guess that didn't stick. I made this decision because while some people seem to be able to analyze the world with the perfect blend of truth, humor, cynicism, and grammar, I do not share their gift. I take the world FAR too seriously, but I guess you have to play to your strengths.

I never really wanted to blog about my faith. Most Christians blog about politics or controversial "Christian" topics. To me my faith is a deeply personal and emotional matter. While some people love to debate the existence of Christ or the theological importance of TULIP, I just don't. Jesus didn't win me over by explaining how I'd get to Heaven in detail, but if he had, that would definitely be something to blog about. No, I became a Christian 11 and a half years ago because I felt lost, isolated and confused. Ironically, while Jesus has changed a lot of things in my life I've gotten to a similar question again, "What am I doing with my life?" This is probably quite normal for a 24-year-old. I think we all go through it at one stage or another. But sitting, unemployed, two years out of college, in my bed at 6 in the morning, having a mild anxiety attack made me think, "the only thing I can think to do right now is read the bible."

I read Eat, Pray, Love two years ago and loved it. And similarly, I feel like I've gotten to that point where I'm crying out to God. But for me His answer wasn't "go back to bed", instead it was, "come talk to me." So after doing that for the past 30 minutes, I decided to write it down. I'm not going to blog out my thoughts. The last thing I want to do is add to the world my anxieties and fears. No. I thought I'd share what I read. Share what I meditated on. And hopefully, if someone else out there gets helped, that's great. If not, it sure helped me to sit down and think long enough to write all this out.

Day 1

6:31 AM British Standard Time

Leicester, England, UK

What I read:

Psalm 1

New International Version (NIV)

Biblegateway.com

¹ Blessed is the one

who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers,
² but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.

⁴ Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
⁵ Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

⁶ For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

What I meditated on:

Verses 1-3

The difference between "walk in step", "stand in the way", and "sit"

There is only one tree in the tropics that blooms all year long, according to Planet Earth. The fig tree. Loads of animals fight over it and live in it. But since a lot of trees don't bloom regularly it is a consistent source of nourishment that they can always cling to when all the other trees are risky.

My prayer:

Jesus, show me your stream so that I can be a good and consistent source of fruit

How I feel:

This blog should be renamed, Contemplations of an Unemployed Bum.